If this kind of sharing makes you uncomfortable, then stop reading. But this is for me. Journaling this way has always been the easiest way for me to keep a record of my life. And I have done that in my happiest and hardest times. It has always been therapeutic for me. And I will continue to do it through the experiences that I need to remember.
There are a lot of things in life that are scary. Being a mother, a whole new world of scary is added onto the list you already had. You don't let it keep you from living your life, but in the back of your mind you are always aware.
I am no stranger to trials. I don't think anyone is. The last ten years have been sprinkled with particularly hard ones, but somehow I have always made it through. I have always tried to understand how certain experiences shape my eternal perspective. I have grown a lot. I have learned a lot. I have relied on my faith and the faith of others and that has been irreplaceable.
If you asked me what I considered to be my greatest strength and my greatest weakness, I would say they are one in the same. My sensitive disposition and empathy. I feel that through my experiences that I have been blessed with, I have been able to come to understand people better. A few weekends ago in General Conference, a gathering where messages of faith and testimony of Jesus Christ are shared, John C. Pingree said, "Specialized empathy is developed through adversity." And I thought, "That is me." He goes on to say that we should make use of our adversity and use our knowledge to help others.
I feel like God made me this way. He gave me such intense empathy because He knew that I could use it. And I feel like I have been given opportunities to do just that. Sometimes coming to gain this empathy has cost me greatly. Whether physically through illness or spiritually through experiences, I have come to gain the understanding I have.
I know that the Lord would wish to use me as a testament of His love. Gaining such testimony has often hurt me initially. And often the answers have not come quickly. But gradually and eventually, I have been given a greater understanding of God's plan for me.
If there is anything I know, it is that the Lord works on His timetable. I have no doubt that God has played a role in my life in the timing of experiences. I have been exactly where I was supposed to be when I followed His direction and my life has played out beautifully, even with the trials- maybe even moreso because of the trials.
Despite my health challenges, and even with the speculation that I may not be able to have children because of the chemotherapy I had, God has blessed me with two beautiful children. I had a plan for my life and it was impressed upon me that the plan was going to be different than what I was expecting. (This has happened a few times in my life. I always think...if you want to be thrown for a loop, go ahead and make big plans and the Lord will intervene.) It was this way for our first two boys. We had a timeline but the Lord's timeline was a little faster ;)
The time again came when we started thinking towards the future of when we would add another. And we set a time. And once again I felt the push. The prompting was so overwhelming that it brought me to tears. We needed to change our plans and start planning to add another...NOW. So we did. And in the back of my mind I wondered, like I usually do, about the purpose of the push. Maybe we won't get pregnant right away? Maybe this timing will play out better to have a baby six months sooner in the long run? And way, way in the back of my mind I had the dark thought of miscarriage. Maybe God wants me to experience this so that I can better understand. But you do all you can to brush those thoughts away. And so that's what I tried to do.
But I got pregnant right away. And I was sick nearly the entire month I was able to be pregnant. I could barely function some days because I was so nauseous. But that's a good thing, right? So I tried to tell myself that. But once again, deep down I could feel that I needed to prepare my heart for the worst.
On September 19, 2017, Taylor and I learned that I had had a "missed miscarriage" and that our tiny little baby had stopped growing two weeks prior.
Before our appointment, the nerves mounted. Taylor came with me and his positivity helped me feel better in the moment. But then the words, "Are you certain of the dates you gave us? Things are not looking as far along as we would want and I am worried. This looks like it could be a miscarriage. I'm so sorry." rang in my ears as tears stung my eyes. It was confirmed that the pregnancy was not viable and we took actions from that point. I didn't think I could cry so much. I cried a lot that day. So much so, that I didn't cry much after that day. It was as though the tears had dried up and I had no more left to give. And I felt numb, for days. When we received the news, Taylor held my hand and said he was so sorry. It's easy to feel like I am alone in this trial. Because physically I am the one who has to go through it. But emotionally we are completely in this together. WE were pregnant. WE were going to have another baby. And together WE lost the baby. Taylor isn't as emotional as me (not difficult, I am usually more emotional than most people, ha) but he let himself be sad and let me know that he loves me no matter what. Marriage is quite the challenge. You see each other at your very, very worst and often it is hard to be kind when you are so run down. But on the flip side of the coin, we also get to share our very, very best moments together and there is absolutely no one else I would want to do life with. Taylor understands me like no one else and he appreciates everything about me. Even when I am so angry and sad, and when I know I could be kinder. He always tries to see the positive. For that I am grateful. I could not have picked a better person to love.
If you are not aware of what my title "one in four" refers to, I am sure many of you might be wondering what I am referring to. "Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, affecting around one in four pregnancies."
I think we go through life sometimes assuming, "That will never happen to me." or "Those kinds of things only happen to other people." I won't say that I ever thought I'd never have a miscarriage, because every day that fear was in the back of my mind. But when it happens, you are still in disbelief. You never really understand the hurt until it happens to you.
I got a blessing and I prayed hard before I took the medicine that was meant to help my body miscarry. And I believe this is what made the experience physically bearable. Emotionally, the sting was still there. But I am grateful that I didn't have to suffer through unbearable pain.
The experience was more drawn out than I was expecting. I took 8 separate doses of the medicine that was supposed to help me miscarry. While it did most of the work, it did not completely rid my body of everything, and on September 29th, I went in for surgery (a D&C) to finish the process.
The experience was more drawn out than I was expecting. I took 8 separate doses of the medicine that was supposed to help me miscarry. While it did most of the work, it did not completely rid my body of everything, and on September 29th, I went in for surgery (a D&C) to finish the process.
I had told some of my closest friends that we were expecting and then a few more random people. I found myself texting every person who I knew that was aware we were pregnant, and letting them know we were no longer going to be having a baby. I cannot tell you how amazed and overwhelmed I was at the outpouring of love and support we received. I was worried for what people would say and worried people might need to tiptoe around me. This was not the case. And a few close friends who have been through this exact thing were able to give me comforting words and a shoulder to cry on.
We had planned on calling our families that same day to deliver the news, and we did not have happy news to give. We weren't going to tell them but I felt that we needed to and I'm so glad we did because I know their prayers uplifted me.
We received meals for days, flowers, help with our boys for days, supportive comments, prayers, religious talks shared, and most importantly, love. It overwhelming thinking about it even now.
We are through this trial physically now. The emotional marks will remain. And that's ok. I've come to understand that that's how we learn and grow and come to trust God and His plan. We are stronger because of our scars.
I know God is aware of me. He knows my heart and I feel Him. I feel His love and strength keeping me afloat. And I have through many, many experiences in my life.
I know He is real and is waiting for us to call on Him.
I have complete peace in my heart. I know we will be blessed with another baby. It wasn't time yet, and that's ok. It's going to be ok.
I was lost in a moment
A glimmer in time
Like a child chasing shadows
My back to the light
I was lost in a fog till You caught my eye
Through the smoke and the mirrors
A glimmer of life
I know there’s a place I belong
Where I’ll see the fullness of love
A child face to face with my God
Lost in Your awesome wonder
While I wait I will not be afraid
My faith will remain all the same
My hope in the things not yet seen
Found in the greatest of these
