this one yellow flower field.

let me just start off by saying- modeling is awkward and i've never really enjoyed it.

but.

yesterday, one of my very dear friends and i had a "photoshoot". after he found out i had cancer, 

he offered to take pictures of me before my hair fell out, or before i cut it.

i have had just about every hair length imaginable.

i grew my hair really long my freshman year of highschool and then cut about 11 inches for Locks for Love.

and then i grew it out again and did the same thing my junior year.

so now, here we are. i have been "working" on growing my hair for a while now, and it has finally started to get long. 

but now, due to the circumstances, i am having to say goodbye to my long locks once more.

and what an excellent opportunity, i thought, for me to donate it. 

my ponytail is exactly 10 inches...which is the minimum length requirement for Locks for Love.

funny how things work out, huh? 

i knew from the start that my hair was going to fall out and i didn't really think much of it.

and here i sit. 

more and more of my hair is falling out each day, and it's definitely a reality check.

i know it will grow back.

but i would be lying if i said that i wasn't nervous about it.

expect some pictures of it sometime soon.

yesterday was absolutely the perfect day.

here are a few of my favorites from the day. 

thanks again, andrew. :]

winning.

hey there.

it's been a while, huh?

lemme just start out with this...

this was the beginning of what ended up being a very funny night.

i'd tell you all about it, but it might take away from the fact of how awesomely funny it was.

this girl....is my best friend. lemme just share a few quotes from last night and you'll get the hint.

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oh, i'm laughing right now. you probably don't understand any of this. but that's definitely okay.

this past week was just what i needed. 

i got to see this girl

these boys

and this boy 

not to mention, these lovely ladies

it was a week filled with surprises, many frozen yogurt trips, shopping, blanket making, graduation, (not enough) pictures, air ball, trampolines, driving, singing, reminiscing, friendship, see-ya-laters, and hugs.

i'm not gonna lie, i miss these people so much already.

but i've been thinking about my "situation" a lot more lately.

at first i was so mad because i thought the timing of this was impeccably terrible. but after i thought about it some more, i realized this couldn't have happened at a better time. everything that was getting ready to happen in my life (that i was excited about), can wait. i was bummed that i'm not going to be in provo for the summer i was so very excited about, not to mention moving into my own apartment with girls i love and making $$$ and having a fantastic time. but that's not going to be happening...yet. i have time to do all this stuff. i'm going to be back. and i'm going to do all the stuff that i would've done this summer. and besides, i have a lot of exciting things to look forward to:

my best friend flying out to see me and go to the beach with meeee

jenny coming to visit! (hopefully)

going to canada

going to connecticut

learning spanish?

reading a lot of good books

becoming a good photographer

getting a tan? (hopefully)

lookie there. that's not a bad list at all. pretty darn exciting stuff, if you ask me.

and as for the cancer,

i'm getting to be pretty good at this "being sick" or "having diseases" thing. 

i hope that doesn't make me sound insensitive.

but really though, all of the doctors or nurses i've seen lately have said to me:

"does anyone else in your family have health problems?"

("no")

"woah, diabetes AND cancer. sweetheart, you've got a full plate. i hope the rest of your life after this is boring."

kinda funny, right?

i've been handed a lot in my very brief 19 years. but i feel like it's made me who i am. i am strong and i know i can handle all this. and i think i know that all of this was meant to happen to me for a reason, and i'm going to do my best to gain all the knowledge i can out of this. i am made of something stronger.

so my mom asked me if i was gonna post about my first chemo treatment. 

here's the brief explanation of it:

not easy.

on april 13, i had my port placement: which if you don't know what that is, you can go here and read about it. then after that, we saw my doctor- who is amazing, and then i had my first infusion. i get a combination of 4 chemotherapy drugs, which together is called ABVD. all together, the infusion takes a little over an hour. on this day, however, we were probably back there for 2.5 hours- getting the rundown of the process, waiting and then having my dressing removed. my day started at about 8:30 and we didn't leave till around 6. long day. but they won't all be like that, which is nice. oh and i had some gnarly looking stitches (that made me look like frankenstein) which had to have for about two weeks (i had my brother take them out today!) so after we were finished, we made the drive home. about two hours into the drive i started feeling sick. from that point (wednesday night) until just about monday morning i felt terrible. chemo makes you really nauseous and fatigued and does a lot of other things that are hard on your body as well. i was pretty worried i wasn't going to feel good enough to go on my trip, but thankfully, the day i was supposed to leave was the day i started feeling better. and the whole time i was on my trip, i wasn't in any discomfort. i am truly thankful that i was feeling healthy enough to spend that time with my dear friends.

so now i'm back in the good ole' south.

and even though i'd muchhhhhhh rather be in provo right now, i'm just trying to think of it this way-

1 down, 11 to go.

i know the time will fly, and i'll be back before i know it.

cancer, i'm kicking your butt.

PS-i'm getting my hair cut on monday. my ponytail is exactly 10 inches- the length requirement for Locks for Love. so i'm very excited to have the opportunity to cut my hair to donate it (for the third time). my hair will be verrrrrry short- a change i'm both nervous and very excited about. i'll for sure post pictures. i've been browsing the internet for cuts i like. what do you think of these?

opinions are welcome, and appreciated.

until next time.

<3

PPS- these boys left for europe today.

they are two of my bessssst friends, whether they know it or not. i'm totally jealous of the amazing trip they have planned and i'm gonna miss them like crazy this summer. but we will be reunited in the fall. :] and as long as they don't come back married (i was promised that i could come to their weddings) then i'll be good. if you're reading this, i love you boys! have fun sleeping on benches and growing out your crazy european mullets and beards. :] :]

PPPS- watch this. you'll get chills.

ok. i'm done forreal now.

my life is cooler than most.

yesterday was my birthday.

my 19th birthday to be exact.

i want to say that my day was spectacularly amazing and that i got everything that i had hoped and wished and dreamed for- but i didn't.
but that's okay.
it was just like that one vanessa carlton song...you know,
ordinary day.

but here's a little tidbit of wisdom for you - that's life.
"special" days aren't always going to feel like you think they should.
days are special, or become as such, by the way you treat them or react to them or remember them.
you [along with some help from people who you think are special] make the day.
as i've gotten older, i'm beginning to realize the significance of life events. rather than putting so much emphasis on one special day or event, i'm living off the singular moments that make those days so special.
and that's been enough to get me by.

this month has caused me to reflect on the happenings of my life from the past year.

i think about significant moments.

i think about my favorite days.

i think about memories.

i think about the incredibly amazing people i've met.

i think about the relationships i now have with those people, and what it took to get them where they are today.

i think about how blessed i've been.

and i think about the many good times to come...

i would totally do a shout-out to all of the people who have influenced my life so much in these past few months, but i feel like i don't even need to. i know these people know who they are, and i know they know how i feel about them and our relationship. [or at least i'm assuming] i didn't know you could grow so close to someone in such a short time, and i have with many people.
i have so much love for these significant people. i feel so blessed to be so lucky.

in other news,

i'm sure many of you are wondering what my treatment schedule or process is going to be like, so i will inform you. i am starting chemotherapy this wednesday. i will be on a 28 day cycle that will have me being treated on the first day and the fifteenth day. so. i start on the 13th of april and then my next treatment will be on the 27th of april. so i'll basically be going twice a month.
two treatments = one cycle...six cycles = 12 treatments = six months. 
confused? ;]
so we're looking at being done around mid-october. i'll keep everyone updated on how it goes, because i know a lot of people have asked me about it, and this seems like the easiest way to let everyone know.

oh, and i would just like to publicly thank Andrea Sarah Hoffman, my best friend, for making my day (making my week or month, more like) here is the video that she made. [almost] everyone that i know and love is in this video. i watch it and am just amazed at how awesome my life has been and how many memories i will get to make with these people in the time to come. i have met some of the most amazing people. i truly can't say enough about them. watch this video and you'll understand.