i've been thinking about what i should write for quite some time now.
this is the fifth time i've written a second sentence.
i just keep drawing a blank.
blank.
blank.
blank.
and then i revisited a post i did seven months ago and read this:
and it's just that. for the past seven months, it's been almost like i was living a completely separate life. i had been so rooted in what i was doing and had made all of these wonderful plans for my future. everything set up and things were just falling into place. pretty close to perfect, if you ask me. and then the sun came up and reality set in.
i've come to the realization that things like this happen when you least expect it. especially when things are going good. finding out i had cancer was a wake up call. and spending the next seven months of my life going through this experience was a reality check for me.
it'll never be me. that'll never happen to me.
that's what you tell yourself. that's the way you live your life.
this is not me saying, however; that something bad is definitely going to happen to you if your life is going just how you want it to. but rather, that things happen when you least expect them to. that's just the way it goes.
after i was diagnosed, everything happened so quickly.
it was like- "oh, you have cancer." and then i was gone a week later.
i left everything that i had become so comfortable with.
i left my friends. i left my school. i left provo.
i spent the next seven months doing the only thing i could-
fighting.
and i can tell you one thing...it wasn't easy. and it definitely wasn't fun.
i was sick. i was lonely. i was sad. i was hurt. i was envious. i was confused.
having cancer and diabetes is something that i shouldn't (at my age) have to worry about.
i should be worrying about what to wear to that party on a friday night, when i'm gonna get asked out on my next date, what i'm eating for dinner or when the next football game is.
it almost seems unfair.
i mean, the odds of me even getting this cancer was slim- and i still did it.
pretty interesting, huh? guess you can just call me lucky. ;]
it would almost sound like i'm bittter, right?
and trust me, i've thought long and hard about whether or not i was/am mad.
and i am not. i am not mad.
i have every right in this world to be angry at the things i've had to deal with the past few years of my life.
but they're things i cannot change.
today, i went to the temple with two friends. we had a lovely time chatting and sharing stories, favorite scriptures and delving into deeper subject matter as well.
one of my friends shared with us one of his favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. he said when he was on his mission and people would ask questions such as, "Why do bad things happen?" he would refer to this:
2 Nephi 2:13- "And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away."
what i get from this is, all things are working together for good. i am going to have trials. and guess what? you are too. but if you build your foundation on Christ, a sure foundation, you will not fall.
i've thought a whole lot about my future as of late.
i'm confident in saying that, even though i didn't get to come back home as soon as i would've liked, i am here at the right time. i've already met so many incredible people and i can't wait to meet more. things are falling into place. the big-girl-grownup-future is becoming real. i have decisions to make and boundaries to overcome, but i am thrilled to have the people i do standing by me while i make these important choices.
i am so forever grateful for everyone and everything that has helped or supported me at any time in the past year. this experience would've been so much more difficult had i not had the people who meant the most to me buoying me up.
i looked back on that same post and saw this:
i am still working towards finding out what this experience means to me. i still don't fully understand, but i am more confident in knowing why i was "picked" to go through this.
you know what the best part of this whole experience has been?
BEATING IT.
i win. and that's the most important thing.
i used to worry about what people would think of me when they saw me.
(and sometimes still do. but i know the people that care and matter the most aren't going to think any less of me because of this experience or how i look now.)
"oh, there's that girl who had cancer."
yeah. i had cancer. i survived. i'm a survivor.
i feel like i've been given a second chance. i'm meant to do something great. and you better believe i will.
mission accomplished.
Then sings my soul- my Savior God to thee. How great Thou art, how great Thou art.
