refuge.

i've pondered on that for a little while.

"He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt 

thou trust: his truth shall be they shield and buckler."

i think of a momma bird who has brand new little baby birds. 

she would do anything to keep her little babies safe. 

and then i think of my life. and how often have i felt like this was true for me?

how often have i felt like i was being shielded from harm? too often to recall. 

refuge. refuge. refuge. 

that word has a greater meaning to me these past few days. 

i woke up yesterday morning. i decided to check facebook, just out of habit.

my newsfeed had a common thread. the more i read, the deeper my heart sank.

i felt heavy with sadness.

an elementary school in newton, connecticut had experienced a tragedy.

i don't know this place. i don't know those teachers. i don't know those precious children.

but i don't need to. but my heart aches. tears stream down my cheeks as i say a prayer for those children, parents, and community that will never be the same. 

when did the rain become a storm? when did the clouds begin to form?

as a future elementary school teacher, i've reflected on the situation a little more than i probably normally would have. would i have been able to make that sacrifice? 

that's a question i hope in my heart i'd be able to answer with the affirmative. 

"In a world of discouragement, sorrow, and overmuch sin, in times when fear and and despair seem to prevail, when humanity is feverish with no worldly physicians in sight, I too say, Trust Jesus. Let Him still the tempest and ride upon the storm. Believe that He can lift mankind from its bed of affliction, in time and in eternity." -Jeffrey R. Holland

under His wings you will find refuge.

they are safe now.

"No matter how difficult the trail, and regardless of how heavy our load, we can take comfort in knowing that others before us have borne life's most grievous trials and tragedies by looking to heaven for peace, comfort, and hopeful assurance. We can know as they knew that God is our Father, that He cares about us individually and collectively, and that as long as we continue to exercise our faith and trust in Him there is nothing to fear in the journey." 

--M. Russell Ballard

after a not-so-good start to the morning, i receive more not-so-good news.

my dear friend Zack Alger was in an accident. my first thought was- oh, was it a fender-bender?

and then i remember- zack rides a motorcycle. 

my heart fell into the pit of stomach. 

i wanted to know more about what happened. is he okay? where is he? was he wearing his helmet?

the accident had happened only about 100 yards away from my apartment complex a mere hour before hearing the news. hillary and i were antsy in wanting to know the extent of what was going on, but we realized we were just going to have to wait.

God got to listen to me a lot yesterday.

i decided i'd go run some errands in the meantime. i got in my car and headed for the store. 

i could not, for the life of me, think of anything besides zack getting in this horrible accident. 

this past summer, i was in a car accident. i remember for weeks, i had nightmares about the "point of impact". it's not something i can explain. i think about it still and it sends chills down my spine. and then i imagine this happening on a motorcycle. 

the song i just so happened to be listening to was called "Wipe Your Eyes" by Maroon 5

"please don't lose your faith. don't worry cause i'm here to keep you safe. i promise if you let me see your face, that i wont let you down. i won't let you down." 

the tears came and i couldn't stop them. 

i sat in the walgreens parking lot in my car and prayed. 

when i came home, hillary and i looked on facebook and zack's sister, whitney, had posted this picture that brings tears to my eyes every time i see it.

the caption read: In just minutes your whole world can change. Today I am grateful for the life of my best friend. Yesterday was one of the most emotionally painful days I have ever experienced. Watching someone you love so much hurt so bad is the most awful feeling in the world. Being able to sit and hold his hand and be there for every second of anything scary is one of the greatest blessings. Every second of it was so worth it when mom finally walked through the door. All he wanted was for her to just hug him. This moment brought tears to my eyes listening to him mumble "Mom, can you just hug me?" She hasn't left his side. The last 24 hours is a blessing. Every minute, and every life is a blessing. I promised not to leave his side and to not let go. I love you Zack. (Update: still in ICU. Clavicle surgery tomorrow & still monitoring the blood in his brain. But in the words if Dr. Brian, "He is doing freakishly good". Zack, you're here for a reason.

hillary stayed in contact with whitney to get updates on how zack was doing. we woke up this morning with a text from her saying we could come by and see him! we were elated. (to say the least) we threw on some sweats and headed over to the hospital. we were both nervous that we were going to lose it once we saw him. as we walked through the door, he opened his eyes- "hillary! kara!" 

what. a. rockstar.

i grabbed his hand and squeezed it. i would have rather given him a huge hug, but all things considered this was not an option. we stayed for almost two hours chatting and being completely astonished at how well he was doing. it's truly a miracle. i hope that we'll be able to go back and visit again before he gets released, but in the meantime- 

please, keep zack and his family in your prayers. 

WE LOVE YOU, zack!

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it,
not without pain but without stain." - C.S. Lewis

tragedy has a funny way of bringing us together and helping us realize what's most important in life. hold the ones you love a little closer today. count your blessings. take comfort in knowing that God has a plan for each and every one of us. every day, and especially as of late, i am constantly reminded of God's hand in my life. there is not a shortage of blessings in our life. if you can't think of anything to be thankful for- just check your pulse.

i don't want to be a debbie downer- so i can share some things in my life that are happy and exciting.

i am blonde now!

life as of late has been a little more exciting as a blonde. ;) 

my hair is growing and i could not be happier- 

considering that this time last year i was almost completely bald!

i got a letter today! 

i love missionaries. 

i have been so blessed as of late. 

i just finished my first semester in the core classes of Elementary Education. i love the major that i've chosen and i know that teaching is something that i was born to do. i also got a job! i'll be working on campus at the desk in the women's issue room. my best friend Andi is moving back to provo and coming to BYU. next year so many of my missionary friends are coming home. i am so excited for the things God has in store for my life. 2013 is destined to be great. it's going to be a great year-i can feel it.

as for now, i go home in three days and couldn't be happier to spend the holidays with my amazing family.

here is something to brighten your day.

just remember- the best has yet to come.

it's about time.

guilty. you caught me red-handed. i plead the fifth.
i'm a bad blogger.

i'll be better, i promise.

now that we got that awkward apology out of the way, let me catch you up to speed...
precursor: i have so much running through my head that this might be a post of scrambled-egg thoughts.

time has a funny way of sneaking up on us, doesn't it?
you can know exactly what you're doing, where you're going, and what you're going be in one instance
...and in another- you don't even know your right from your left.
do you ever have that feeling inside of you where you feel like you have so much to say and so much you want to do, but you just don't know how? gosh, that is me. at least it has been lately.
my mind and heart are constantly on overdrive. 

i've reached this point in my life where i feel like some big decisions are going to be made and changes are going to sneak up on me- whether i'm ready for that or not. exciting, right? well, if it didn't scare me to death, then i would totally agree. i, for one, think i handle change pretty well. but for the most part, the changes that i have adjusted to in the last while have happened just because i had no other choice. but i think the changes that will happen sooner-than-later in my life will be because i have to make them. woah. heavy.

all great changes are preceded by chaos. -deepak chopra
couldn't have said it better myself. whether the changes are good or bad, the thick and unfamiliar haze that surrounds them are more often than not chaotic. i feel like i should be an expert at chaos by now. right?
i guess we'll find out.

this past weekend was General Conference for my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
(if you want to learn more about the 'Mormon" church and what it's about/listen to any of the 'conference talks, you can go here)
there were so many great things that we were able to hear this weekend. i had so many favorite talks, i can't pick just one. but i did take a lot of notes, so i'll just share of my favorite quotes throughout. 

sometimes all i wish and hope for is that God would just tell me what i'm supposed to do with my life...where i'm supposed to go...who i'm supposed to be...who i'm supposed to marry, etc. you know...those hard decisions in life. but then i take a step back and think, well then what's the point? isn't that why we're here? to live? and it's on the days that "ain't all peaches and cream" that you find out who you really are.
"Satan does not need to get everyone to be like Judas. He just needs good men to think of themselves as sophisticated neutrals." -Elder Whiting
don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.
we are capable of so much more.
something that i learned this weekend during conference and something i'm beginning to realize is that i am capable of so much more. God believes in me, my family believes in me, my friends believe in me...
-why shouldn't i be able to believe in me?
i'm learning this. i feel it more and more each day i wake up and take on a new day.
i am capable of so much more.

if you know me, you know that i am impatient. i am terrible at being surprised (if i know there is a surprise). sometimes i like to think of the future as a surprise. i feel like i have an idea of what i want to accomplish in life. but do i know how? when? where? with whom? nope! and that's all a part of the surprise. i know God blesses us. He is also pretty good at surprising us, too. but as i mentioned before, i'm terrible at surprises.
"the Lord's delays may seem long. Sometimes they last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless us." -Henry B. Eyring 
the Lord will take care of tomorrow if i take care of today. i truly believe that.

i lied to you before. i do have a favorite talk. it was one given by my favorite speaker, Jeffrey R. Holland.
if you spare time, i couldn't think of a better way to fill it. you won't regret watching this.
the message rocked me to the very core.
"the call is to come, stay true, love God, and lend a hand...your Father in Heaven expects your loyalty and your love at every stage of your life. to all within the sound of my voice...the voice of Christ comes ringing down through the halls of time-asking each one of us while there is time, "Do you love me?" and for every one of us, i answer with my honor and my soul, "Yea, Lord, we do love thee." and having set our hand to the plow- we will never look back...until this work is finished and love of God and neighbor rules the world."

"kara, I recognize you not by your title- but by your life. the way you're trying to live, and the standards you're trying to live. i see the integrity of your life. i know you are trying to be better. i know you weren't always successful, but i believe you honestly tried. i believe that in your heart, you truly loved me."

uncertain times lie ahead, but i have faith.

just remember- the best has yet to come.

let me not

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but
for the heart to conquer it.” 

― Rabindranath Tagore

oh, the places you'll go.

long time, no blog! i feel the need to apologize for my lack of keeping this updated. life has just been so amazing, it's been difficult to find the time to find what i want to write. but i have been thinking about it for a while, so here goes...

this is a story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down.

one year ago, this happened to me:

i've said it in the past, and i'll say it now, cancer did nothing short of change my life forever. i could go on forever and a day telling you about my experience and all the little details (that of which i would do if you asked). but what i've learned has come to me after this experience. my appreciation for life, for health, for family, for friends, for God. it has all been magnified times a million. not everyone has to go through a trial such as this to find these things out, but i feel like for me, cancer definitely helped me in realizing how great my life actually is.

let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

this was the day i found out about my diagnosis. 

(let me tell you, i've never had so many people like my status thus far in my life.)

i think that this is foretelling of how the next few months of my life were going to go. the support was out-pouring. it really does amaze me. i had an epiphany last week, actually. i was just thinking about the whole experience, the little details, which i don't do very often. the amount of people that reached out to me blows my mind. 

i feel like sometimes i forget. i don't want to forget. i'm not going to forget. 

       

meet kara: pre-cancer

i know i've told the story before, so i'll spare the details. but this is the first time i ever got chemo. i'd like to think that i kept this attitude the whole time. i didn't ever really doubt that i'd beat cancer. i knew i could do it. getting through it would be the hard part.

meet kara: during cancer

i'm not going to lie...i hated this haircut. i hated it so much actually, i buzzed my own head three days after i got the cut. this is the link of me buzzing my hair off, if you're interested in watching (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPYBbjwL8YA&feature=youtu.be)

G. I. Jane? you have no idea how good that felt. 

looking through these is probably one of the greatest reminders of how much people care.

(look at all those likes!)

but in all seriousness, i don't think it's possible to realize how people truly feel about you until they are put into a position to display their support. this was that for me. i had no idea people cared about me so much! also, it's really awesome to look through now and realize how fast time has passed me by. how i did this in less than a year! i'd like to think it's my greatest accomplishment.

meet kara: after cancer!

so here we are. present day. it's foreign to me to think that this whole experience has already passed me by. it's been a year since cancer and i have been acquainted. i know that this will be a life-long journey for me. i don't intend on forgetting anything. 

look how cool my life is! it's hard to believe that i can be this lucky, this blessed. 

and this isn't even half the pictures i wanted to put up. 

 

i was healed. God took my hand and led me through this entire experience. i'm more aware of His influence in my life. i have greater testimony of the fact that God loves me. i have a greater appreciation for my amazing family. i don't doubt my strength now. i am strong, and i can do anything that is placed before me. my future is bright. i am going to take hold of every experience possible and live my life to the fullest. i can't wait for the future. my life is just beginning. #winning

ready, get set, GO!

wise men still seek Him.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace good will toward men. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this things which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

Look to the Light

christmas is in twelve days.

twelve.

i remember a year ago at this time i was finishing my first semester of college. 

my, how things have changed. 

i have so much to be grateful for this christmas season, and just in general.

i know that my life has been blessed and things have been so much easier because of a Savior and Heavenly Father, who i know love me and know me and know what i am capable of.

i know i wouldn't have been tested beyond my strength and abilities. i am excited to live the life that They have planned for me. i feel like i was given a second chance. 

and i plan on taking advantage of that chance and making the most of it.

i saw this video, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

we all can be given a second chance, and i know that.

i hope that you and i can remember the real reason for this season and to "look to the light".

won.

i've been thinking about what i should write for quite some time now.

this is the fifth time i've written a second sentence. 

i just keep drawing a blank.

blank.

blank.

blank.

and then i revisited a post i did seven months ago and read this:

and it's just that. for the past seven months, it's been almost like i was living a completely separate life. i had been so rooted in what i was doing and had made all of these wonderful plans for my future. everything set up and things were just falling into place. pretty close to perfect, if you ask me. and then the sun came up and reality set in.

i've come to the realization that things like this happen when you least expect it. especially when things are going good. finding out i had cancer was a wake up call. and spending the next seven months of my life going through this experience was a reality check for me.

it'll never be me. that'll never happen to me.

that's what you tell yourself. that's the way you live your life. 

this is not me saying, however; that something bad is definitely going to happen to you if your life is going just how you want it to. but rather, that things happen when you least expect them to. that's just the way it goes.

after i was diagnosed, everything happened so quickly.

it was like- "oh, you have cancer." and then i was gone a week later.

i left everything that i had become so comfortable with.

i left my friends. i left my school. i left provo. 

i spent the next seven months doing the only thing i could-

fighting.

and i can tell you one thing...it wasn't easy. and it definitely wasn't fun.

i was sick. i was lonely. i was sad. i was hurt. i was envious. i was confused.

having cancer and diabetes is something that i shouldn't (at my age) have to worry about.

i should be worrying about what to wear to that party on a friday night, when i'm gonna get asked out on my next date, what i'm eating for dinner or when the next football game is.

it almost seems unfair.

i mean, the odds of me even getting this cancer was slim- and i still did it.

pretty interesting, huh? guess you can just call me lucky. ;]

it would almost sound like i'm bittter, right?

and trust me, i've thought long and hard about whether or not i was/am mad.

and i am not. i am not mad.

i have every right in this world to be angry at the things i've had to deal with the past few years of my life. 

but they're things i cannot change. 

today, i went to the temple with two friends. we had a lovely time chatting and sharing stories, favorite scriptures and delving into deeper subject matter as well.

one of my friends shared with us one of his favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. he said when he was on his mission and people would ask questions such as, "Why do bad things happen?" he would refer to this:

2 Nephi 2:13- "And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." 

what i get from this is, all things are working together for good. i am going to have trials. and guess what? you are too. but if you build your foundation on Christ, a sure foundation, you will not fall. 

i've thought a whole lot about my future as of late. 

i'm confident in saying that, even though i didn't get to come back home as soon as i would've liked, i am here at the right time. i've already met so many incredible people and i can't wait to meet more. things are falling into place. the big-girl-grownup-future is becoming real. i have decisions to make and boundaries to overcome, but i am thrilled to have the people i do standing by me while i make these important choices.

i am so forever grateful for everyone and everything that has helped or supported me at any time in the past year. this experience would've been so much more difficult had i not had the people who meant the most to me buoying me up. 

i looked back on that same post and saw this:

i am still working towards finding out what this experience means to me. i still don't fully understand, but i am more confident in knowing why i was "picked" to go through this. 

you know what the best part of this whole experience has been?

BEATING IT.

i win. and that's the most important thing.

i used to worry about what people would think of me when they saw me.

(and sometimes still do. but i know the people that care and matter the most aren't going to think any less of me because of this experience or how i look now.)

"oh, there's that girl who had cancer."

yeah. i had cancer. i survived. i'm a survivor.

i feel like i've been given a second chance. i'm meant to do something great. and you better believe i will.

mission accomplished.

Then sings my soul- my Savior God to thee. How great Thou art, how great Thou art.