wise men still seek Him.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace good will toward men. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this things which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.

Look to the Light

christmas is in twelve days.

twelve.

i remember a year ago at this time i was finishing my first semester of college. 

my, how things have changed. 

i have so much to be grateful for this christmas season, and just in general.

i know that my life has been blessed and things have been so much easier because of a Savior and Heavenly Father, who i know love me and know me and know what i am capable of.

i know i wouldn't have been tested beyond my strength and abilities. i am excited to live the life that They have planned for me. i feel like i was given a second chance. 

and i plan on taking advantage of that chance and making the most of it.

i saw this video, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

we all can be given a second chance, and i know that.

i hope that you and i can remember the real reason for this season and to "look to the light".

won.

i've been thinking about what i should write for quite some time now.

this is the fifth time i've written a second sentence. 

i just keep drawing a blank.

blank.

blank.

blank.

and then i revisited a post i did seven months ago and read this:

and it's just that. for the past seven months, it's been almost like i was living a completely separate life. i had been so rooted in what i was doing and had made all of these wonderful plans for my future. everything set up and things were just falling into place. pretty close to perfect, if you ask me. and then the sun came up and reality set in.

i've come to the realization that things like this happen when you least expect it. especially when things are going good. finding out i had cancer was a wake up call. and spending the next seven months of my life going through this experience was a reality check for me.

it'll never be me. that'll never happen to me.

that's what you tell yourself. that's the way you live your life. 

this is not me saying, however; that something bad is definitely going to happen to you if your life is going just how you want it to. but rather, that things happen when you least expect them to. that's just the way it goes.

after i was diagnosed, everything happened so quickly.

it was like- "oh, you have cancer." and then i was gone a week later.

i left everything that i had become so comfortable with.

i left my friends. i left my school. i left provo. 

i spent the next seven months doing the only thing i could-

fighting.

and i can tell you one thing...it wasn't easy. and it definitely wasn't fun.

i was sick. i was lonely. i was sad. i was hurt. i was envious. i was confused.

having cancer and diabetes is something that i shouldn't (at my age) have to worry about.

i should be worrying about what to wear to that party on a friday night, when i'm gonna get asked out on my next date, what i'm eating for dinner or when the next football game is.

it almost seems unfair.

i mean, the odds of me even getting this cancer was slim- and i still did it.

pretty interesting, huh? guess you can just call me lucky. ;]

it would almost sound like i'm bittter, right?

and trust me, i've thought long and hard about whether or not i was/am mad.

and i am not. i am not mad.

i have every right in this world to be angry at the things i've had to deal with the past few years of my life. 

but they're things i cannot change. 

today, i went to the temple with two friends. we had a lovely time chatting and sharing stories, favorite scriptures and delving into deeper subject matter as well.

one of my friends shared with us one of his favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon. he said when he was on his mission and people would ask questions such as, "Why do bad things happen?" he would refer to this:

2 Nephi 2:13- "And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." 

what i get from this is, all things are working together for good. i am going to have trials. and guess what? you are too. but if you build your foundation on Christ, a sure foundation, you will not fall. 

i've thought a whole lot about my future as of late. 

i'm confident in saying that, even though i didn't get to come back home as soon as i would've liked, i am here at the right time. i've already met so many incredible people and i can't wait to meet more. things are falling into place. the big-girl-grownup-future is becoming real. i have decisions to make and boundaries to overcome, but i am thrilled to have the people i do standing by me while i make these important choices.

i am so forever grateful for everyone and everything that has helped or supported me at any time in the past year. this experience would've been so much more difficult had i not had the people who meant the most to me buoying me up. 

i looked back on that same post and saw this:

i am still working towards finding out what this experience means to me. i still don't fully understand, but i am more confident in knowing why i was "picked" to go through this. 

you know what the best part of this whole experience has been?

BEATING IT.

i win. and that's the most important thing.

i used to worry about what people would think of me when they saw me.

(and sometimes still do. but i know the people that care and matter the most aren't going to think any less of me because of this experience or how i look now.)

"oh, there's that girl who had cancer."

yeah. i had cancer. i survived. i'm a survivor.

i feel like i've been given a second chance. i'm meant to do something great. and you better believe i will.

mission accomplished.

Then sings my soul- my Savior God to thee. How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

the wait is over.

sums up exactly how i feel.

fifty percent.

oh, hey.
i feel the need to apologize for my sub-par blogging as of late.
time to catch up.


have you ever absentmindedly thought,
"what if i got sick? (like cancer sick) i wonder if people would care? how would people react?"
what a silly thing to wonder, you're probably thinking. but i'm sure that this thought has crossed my mind more than once, before i got sick of course. and then now i wonder why i even thought such a silly thing. if anything, this thought that i once had has revealed its answer ten-fold. even now, three months into this experience, i am continuing to receive letters, messages, and well-wishes from friends, family, strangers...it's such a surreal experience.

one of the biggest changes since i last updated my blog would have to be my hair...or lack thereof. 

when my hair started thinning, i decided that i would do a short haircut to make the transition easier. i believe i had that short haircut for all of about four days. haircut on monday, shaved head by friday. the expereince was even videotaped. i don't think i've ever done anything as liberating as shaving my head. it felt good. freeing. and i enjoy my G.I Jane haircut a lot more than my short pixie cut. ironic, huh? however, as much of a liberating experience as it was, i do miss my hair. i've almost forgotten what it's like to have hair. i look back at old pictures and yearn for my luscious long locks. i know that my hair will grow back, but i'm just hoping and praying it won't take tooooo long. 

for those of you that are curious of what an everyday schedule of mine looks like, i can give you a brief run-down. every two weeks, my mom and i travel about four hours to Winston Salem, North Carolina. i get chemotherapy treatment on wednesday. we stay overnight at Zac (my brother) and Jamie's (my sister-in-law) house and then head back to the hospital the next day, and i get a shot called Neutrolast. (this shot helps keep my levels up so that my treatments won't get delayed) my mom and i then make the drive back to tennessee and the next week or so i lay pretty low. the main thing that chemo does to my body is make me tired. so i try and rest up so i can feel normal again in about a week's time. (if you're keeping up, this gives me a "good" week and a "bad" week) let's just say, i am very much caught up with Grey's Anatomy, Bachelorette, the food network, and just about every Harry Potter.

coolest little girl on the planet.

my whole entire family was here this past weekend to celebrate July 4th. it was such a great weekend getting to see everyone together. lots of time on the lake, LOTS of food, lots of Ticket to Ride. i wish the weekend could have lasted a little longer. but the time we all got together was great.

i have such a beautiful family. so blessed.

i try and keep my mind occupied with different things so that i'm not constantly thinking about my friends (who i miss more than i can convey) or Utah (where i wish i was every time i opened my eyes) but alas, my thoughts have a way of taking over and these are usually things i'm thinking about. but you know what's great? i'm HALF WAY DONE. it almost feels weird to say that. half-way through the most difficult experience i'm sure i'll ever go through. sometimes i feel like time is flying. it's been almost four months since i was diagnosed and i've been living at home now for almost that same amount of time. and then at the same time, i feel like time couldn't been moving slower. if i didn't have all of the previously mentioned great things awaiting me when i got back, i wouldn't be worried about time as much. 

but i do.

i have amazing friends who keep in touch with me every step of the way.

and i have such a loving and supportive family.

if i didn't have these people in my life, going through this journey would be a billion times harder than it is.

i have lots of things to look forward to to help pass the time.

i'm going to Canada in two weeks!

my best friend is visiting me!

my second niece is on the way!

oh, and it gets better...

my cancer is going away! that's right. i am KICKING cancer's butt. i am winning this fight. 

i know if i keep telling myself this, these next three months will fly by. 

"pain is temporary. quitting lasts forever." -lance armstrong

three months. six more treatments. it's a downhill race from here, and i'm gaining speed. 

<3

quick.

oh, hey.
long...long time, no talk.


i just wanted to do a quick post to say that i haven't forgotten i have a blog.
i'm in the works of getting an update on here, and just thought i'd do a quick post and say "everything is going good."




the more drawn-out and lengthy version of this statement will be covered in full detail soon. :)

locks for love.

today.

today i cut 10+ inches of my hair off for Locks for Love.

(the picture shows the final product)

i would be lying if i said i loved it. because i don't.

being a girl, i depended on my hair to make me feel girly and pretty.

and now that most of it is gone, i don't feel that way anymore.

i had a moment where i was really upset.

and then i was having a conversation with a dear friend and she said this to me:

"two years ago i cut 13 inches of my hair off. i thought i would love it, but i didn't. it was really tough to get used to, but then i came to embrace it. you may not want to hear this now, but after everything, it will grow back. it'll be your own personal trophy walking around with beautiful hair after you get through this. :) your hair will be a daily reminder of how strong you are and how you can get through anything that comes your way!! <3"

this is exactly what i needed to hear.

truth.

‎"There are events in the future, and not very far ahead, that will require all our faith, all our energy, all our confidence, all our trust in God, to enable us to withstand the influences that will be brought to bear against us....We cannot trust in our intelligence; we cannot trust in our wealth;...we must trust alone in the living God to guide us, to direct us, to lead us, to teach us and to instruct us."

 

i'm cutting my hair something like this in the morning.

nerves. 

this one yellow flower field.

let me just start off by saying- modeling is awkward and i've never really enjoyed it.

but.

yesterday, one of my very dear friends and i had a "photoshoot". after he found out i had cancer, 

he offered to take pictures of me before my hair fell out, or before i cut it.

i have had just about every hair length imaginable.

i grew my hair really long my freshman year of highschool and then cut about 11 inches for Locks for Love.

and then i grew it out again and did the same thing my junior year.

so now, here we are. i have been "working" on growing my hair for a while now, and it has finally started to get long. 

but now, due to the circumstances, i am having to say goodbye to my long locks once more.

and what an excellent opportunity, i thought, for me to donate it. 

my ponytail is exactly 10 inches...which is the minimum length requirement for Locks for Love.

funny how things work out, huh? 

i knew from the start that my hair was going to fall out and i didn't really think much of it.

and here i sit. 

more and more of my hair is falling out each day, and it's definitely a reality check.

i know it will grow back.

but i would be lying if i said that i wasn't nervous about it.

expect some pictures of it sometime soon.

yesterday was absolutely the perfect day.

here are a few of my favorites from the day. 

thanks again, andrew. :]

winning.

hey there.

it's been a while, huh?

lemme just start out with this...

this was the beginning of what ended up being a very funny night.

i'd tell you all about it, but it might take away from the fact of how awesomely funny it was.

this girl....is my best friend. lemme just share a few quotes from last night and you'll get the hint.

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oh, i'm laughing right now. you probably don't understand any of this. but that's definitely okay.

this past week was just what i needed. 

i got to see this girl

these boys

and this boy 

not to mention, these lovely ladies

it was a week filled with surprises, many frozen yogurt trips, shopping, blanket making, graduation, (not enough) pictures, air ball, trampolines, driving, singing, reminiscing, friendship, see-ya-laters, and hugs.

i'm not gonna lie, i miss these people so much already.

but i've been thinking about my "situation" a lot more lately.

at first i was so mad because i thought the timing of this was impeccably terrible. but after i thought about it some more, i realized this couldn't have happened at a better time. everything that was getting ready to happen in my life (that i was excited about), can wait. i was bummed that i'm not going to be in provo for the summer i was so very excited about, not to mention moving into my own apartment with girls i love and making $$$ and having a fantastic time. but that's not going to be happening...yet. i have time to do all this stuff. i'm going to be back. and i'm going to do all the stuff that i would've done this summer. and besides, i have a lot of exciting things to look forward to:

my best friend flying out to see me and go to the beach with meeee

jenny coming to visit! (hopefully)

going to canada

going to connecticut

learning spanish?

reading a lot of good books

becoming a good photographer

getting a tan? (hopefully)

lookie there. that's not a bad list at all. pretty darn exciting stuff, if you ask me.

and as for the cancer,

i'm getting to be pretty good at this "being sick" or "having diseases" thing. 

i hope that doesn't make me sound insensitive.

but really though, all of the doctors or nurses i've seen lately have said to me:

"does anyone else in your family have health problems?"

("no")

"woah, diabetes AND cancer. sweetheart, you've got a full plate. i hope the rest of your life after this is boring."

kinda funny, right?

i've been handed a lot in my very brief 19 years. but i feel like it's made me who i am. i am strong and i know i can handle all this. and i think i know that all of this was meant to happen to me for a reason, and i'm going to do my best to gain all the knowledge i can out of this. i am made of something stronger.

so my mom asked me if i was gonna post about my first chemo treatment. 

here's the brief explanation of it:

not easy.

on april 13, i had my port placement: which if you don't know what that is, you can go here and read about it. then after that, we saw my doctor- who is amazing, and then i had my first infusion. i get a combination of 4 chemotherapy drugs, which together is called ABVD. all together, the infusion takes a little over an hour. on this day, however, we were probably back there for 2.5 hours- getting the rundown of the process, waiting and then having my dressing removed. my day started at about 8:30 and we didn't leave till around 6. long day. but they won't all be like that, which is nice. oh and i had some gnarly looking stitches (that made me look like frankenstein) which had to have for about two weeks (i had my brother take them out today!) so after we were finished, we made the drive home. about two hours into the drive i started feeling sick. from that point (wednesday night) until just about monday morning i felt terrible. chemo makes you really nauseous and fatigued and does a lot of other things that are hard on your body as well. i was pretty worried i wasn't going to feel good enough to go on my trip, but thankfully, the day i was supposed to leave was the day i started feeling better. and the whole time i was on my trip, i wasn't in any discomfort. i am truly thankful that i was feeling healthy enough to spend that time with my dear friends.

so now i'm back in the good ole' south.

and even though i'd muchhhhhhh rather be in provo right now, i'm just trying to think of it this way-

1 down, 11 to go.

i know the time will fly, and i'll be back before i know it.

cancer, i'm kicking your butt.

PS-i'm getting my hair cut on monday. my ponytail is exactly 10 inches- the length requirement for Locks for Love. so i'm very excited to have the opportunity to cut my hair to donate it (for the third time). my hair will be verrrrrry short- a change i'm both nervous and very excited about. i'll for sure post pictures. i've been browsing the internet for cuts i like. what do you think of these?

opinions are welcome, and appreciated.

until next time.

<3

PPS- these boys left for europe today.

they are two of my bessssst friends, whether they know it or not. i'm totally jealous of the amazing trip they have planned and i'm gonna miss them like crazy this summer. but we will be reunited in the fall. :] and as long as they don't come back married (i was promised that i could come to their weddings) then i'll be good. if you're reading this, i love you boys! have fun sleeping on benches and growing out your crazy european mullets and beards. :] :]

PPPS- watch this. you'll get chills.

ok. i'm done forreal now.