the wait is over.

sums up exactly how i feel.

fifty percent.

oh, hey.
i feel the need to apologize for my sub-par blogging as of late.
time to catch up.


have you ever absentmindedly thought,
"what if i got sick? (like cancer sick) i wonder if people would care? how would people react?"
what a silly thing to wonder, you're probably thinking. but i'm sure that this thought has crossed my mind more than once, before i got sick of course. and then now i wonder why i even thought such a silly thing. if anything, this thought that i once had has revealed its answer ten-fold. even now, three months into this experience, i am continuing to receive letters, messages, and well-wishes from friends, family, strangers...it's such a surreal experience.

one of the biggest changes since i last updated my blog would have to be my hair...or lack thereof. 

when my hair started thinning, i decided that i would do a short haircut to make the transition easier. i believe i had that short haircut for all of about four days. haircut on monday, shaved head by friday. the expereince was even videotaped. i don't think i've ever done anything as liberating as shaving my head. it felt good. freeing. and i enjoy my G.I Jane haircut a lot more than my short pixie cut. ironic, huh? however, as much of a liberating experience as it was, i do miss my hair. i've almost forgotten what it's like to have hair. i look back at old pictures and yearn for my luscious long locks. i know that my hair will grow back, but i'm just hoping and praying it won't take tooooo long. 

for those of you that are curious of what an everyday schedule of mine looks like, i can give you a brief run-down. every two weeks, my mom and i travel about four hours to Winston Salem, North Carolina. i get chemotherapy treatment on wednesday. we stay overnight at Zac (my brother) and Jamie's (my sister-in-law) house and then head back to the hospital the next day, and i get a shot called Neutrolast. (this shot helps keep my levels up so that my treatments won't get delayed) my mom and i then make the drive back to tennessee and the next week or so i lay pretty low. the main thing that chemo does to my body is make me tired. so i try and rest up so i can feel normal again in about a week's time. (if you're keeping up, this gives me a "good" week and a "bad" week) let's just say, i am very much caught up with Grey's Anatomy, Bachelorette, the food network, and just about every Harry Potter.

coolest little girl on the planet.

my whole entire family was here this past weekend to celebrate July 4th. it was such a great weekend getting to see everyone together. lots of time on the lake, LOTS of food, lots of Ticket to Ride. i wish the weekend could have lasted a little longer. but the time we all got together was great.

i have such a beautiful family. so blessed.

i try and keep my mind occupied with different things so that i'm not constantly thinking about my friends (who i miss more than i can convey) or Utah (where i wish i was every time i opened my eyes) but alas, my thoughts have a way of taking over and these are usually things i'm thinking about. but you know what's great? i'm HALF WAY DONE. it almost feels weird to say that. half-way through the most difficult experience i'm sure i'll ever go through. sometimes i feel like time is flying. it's been almost four months since i was diagnosed and i've been living at home now for almost that same amount of time. and then at the same time, i feel like time couldn't been moving slower. if i didn't have all of the previously mentioned great things awaiting me when i got back, i wouldn't be worried about time as much. 

but i do.

i have amazing friends who keep in touch with me every step of the way.

and i have such a loving and supportive family.

if i didn't have these people in my life, going through this journey would be a billion times harder than it is.

i have lots of things to look forward to to help pass the time.

i'm going to Canada in two weeks!

my best friend is visiting me!

my second niece is on the way!

oh, and it gets better...

my cancer is going away! that's right. i am KICKING cancer's butt. i am winning this fight. 

i know if i keep telling myself this, these next three months will fly by. 

"pain is temporary. quitting lasts forever." -lance armstrong

three months. six more treatments. it's a downhill race from here, and i'm gaining speed. 

<3

quick.

oh, hey.
long...long time, no talk.


i just wanted to do a quick post to say that i haven't forgotten i have a blog.
i'm in the works of getting an update on here, and just thought i'd do a quick post and say "everything is going good."




the more drawn-out and lengthy version of this statement will be covered in full detail soon. :)

locks for love.

today.

today i cut 10+ inches of my hair off for Locks for Love.

(the picture shows the final product)

i would be lying if i said i loved it. because i don't.

being a girl, i depended on my hair to make me feel girly and pretty.

and now that most of it is gone, i don't feel that way anymore.

i had a moment where i was really upset.

and then i was having a conversation with a dear friend and she said this to me:

"two years ago i cut 13 inches of my hair off. i thought i would love it, but i didn't. it was really tough to get used to, but then i came to embrace it. you may not want to hear this now, but after everything, it will grow back. it'll be your own personal trophy walking around with beautiful hair after you get through this. :) your hair will be a daily reminder of how strong you are and how you can get through anything that comes your way!! <3"

this is exactly what i needed to hear.

truth.

‎"There are events in the future, and not very far ahead, that will require all our faith, all our energy, all our confidence, all our trust in God, to enable us to withstand the influences that will be brought to bear against us....We cannot trust in our intelligence; we cannot trust in our wealth;...we must trust alone in the living God to guide us, to direct us, to lead us, to teach us and to instruct us."

 

i'm cutting my hair something like this in the morning.

nerves. 

this one yellow flower field.

let me just start off by saying- modeling is awkward and i've never really enjoyed it.

but.

yesterday, one of my very dear friends and i had a "photoshoot". after he found out i had cancer, 

he offered to take pictures of me before my hair fell out, or before i cut it.

i have had just about every hair length imaginable.

i grew my hair really long my freshman year of highschool and then cut about 11 inches for Locks for Love.

and then i grew it out again and did the same thing my junior year.

so now, here we are. i have been "working" on growing my hair for a while now, and it has finally started to get long. 

but now, due to the circumstances, i am having to say goodbye to my long locks once more.

and what an excellent opportunity, i thought, for me to donate it. 

my ponytail is exactly 10 inches...which is the minimum length requirement for Locks for Love.

funny how things work out, huh? 

i knew from the start that my hair was going to fall out and i didn't really think much of it.

and here i sit. 

more and more of my hair is falling out each day, and it's definitely a reality check.

i know it will grow back.

but i would be lying if i said that i wasn't nervous about it.

expect some pictures of it sometime soon.

yesterday was absolutely the perfect day.

here are a few of my favorites from the day. 

thanks again, andrew. :]

winning.

hey there.

it's been a while, huh?

lemme just start out with this...

this was the beginning of what ended up being a very funny night.

i'd tell you all about it, but it might take away from the fact of how awesomely funny it was.

this girl....is my best friend. lemme just share a few quotes from last night and you'll get the hint.

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oh, i'm laughing right now. you probably don't understand any of this. but that's definitely okay.

this past week was just what i needed. 

i got to see this girl

these boys

and this boy 

not to mention, these lovely ladies

it was a week filled with surprises, many frozen yogurt trips, shopping, blanket making, graduation, (not enough) pictures, air ball, trampolines, driving, singing, reminiscing, friendship, see-ya-laters, and hugs.

i'm not gonna lie, i miss these people so much already.

but i've been thinking about my "situation" a lot more lately.

at first i was so mad because i thought the timing of this was impeccably terrible. but after i thought about it some more, i realized this couldn't have happened at a better time. everything that was getting ready to happen in my life (that i was excited about), can wait. i was bummed that i'm not going to be in provo for the summer i was so very excited about, not to mention moving into my own apartment with girls i love and making $$$ and having a fantastic time. but that's not going to be happening...yet. i have time to do all this stuff. i'm going to be back. and i'm going to do all the stuff that i would've done this summer. and besides, i have a lot of exciting things to look forward to:

my best friend flying out to see me and go to the beach with meeee

jenny coming to visit! (hopefully)

going to canada

going to connecticut

learning spanish?

reading a lot of good books

becoming a good photographer

getting a tan? (hopefully)

lookie there. that's not a bad list at all. pretty darn exciting stuff, if you ask me.

and as for the cancer,

i'm getting to be pretty good at this "being sick" or "having diseases" thing. 

i hope that doesn't make me sound insensitive.

but really though, all of the doctors or nurses i've seen lately have said to me:

"does anyone else in your family have health problems?"

("no")

"woah, diabetes AND cancer. sweetheart, you've got a full plate. i hope the rest of your life after this is boring."

kinda funny, right?

i've been handed a lot in my very brief 19 years. but i feel like it's made me who i am. i am strong and i know i can handle all this. and i think i know that all of this was meant to happen to me for a reason, and i'm going to do my best to gain all the knowledge i can out of this. i am made of something stronger.

so my mom asked me if i was gonna post about my first chemo treatment. 

here's the brief explanation of it:

not easy.

on april 13, i had my port placement: which if you don't know what that is, you can go here and read about it. then after that, we saw my doctor- who is amazing, and then i had my first infusion. i get a combination of 4 chemotherapy drugs, which together is called ABVD. all together, the infusion takes a little over an hour. on this day, however, we were probably back there for 2.5 hours- getting the rundown of the process, waiting and then having my dressing removed. my day started at about 8:30 and we didn't leave till around 6. long day. but they won't all be like that, which is nice. oh and i had some gnarly looking stitches (that made me look like frankenstein) which had to have for about two weeks (i had my brother take them out today!) so after we were finished, we made the drive home. about two hours into the drive i started feeling sick. from that point (wednesday night) until just about monday morning i felt terrible. chemo makes you really nauseous and fatigued and does a lot of other things that are hard on your body as well. i was pretty worried i wasn't going to feel good enough to go on my trip, but thankfully, the day i was supposed to leave was the day i started feeling better. and the whole time i was on my trip, i wasn't in any discomfort. i am truly thankful that i was feeling healthy enough to spend that time with my dear friends.

so now i'm back in the good ole' south.

and even though i'd muchhhhhhh rather be in provo right now, i'm just trying to think of it this way-

1 down, 11 to go.

i know the time will fly, and i'll be back before i know it.

cancer, i'm kicking your butt.

PS-i'm getting my hair cut on monday. my ponytail is exactly 10 inches- the length requirement for Locks for Love. so i'm very excited to have the opportunity to cut my hair to donate it (for the third time). my hair will be verrrrrry short- a change i'm both nervous and very excited about. i'll for sure post pictures. i've been browsing the internet for cuts i like. what do you think of these?

opinions are welcome, and appreciated.

until next time.

<3

PPS- these boys left for europe today.

they are two of my bessssst friends, whether they know it or not. i'm totally jealous of the amazing trip they have planned and i'm gonna miss them like crazy this summer. but we will be reunited in the fall. :] and as long as they don't come back married (i was promised that i could come to their weddings) then i'll be good. if you're reading this, i love you boys! have fun sleeping on benches and growing out your crazy european mullets and beards. :] :]

PPPS- watch this. you'll get chills.

ok. i'm done forreal now.

my life is cooler than most.

yesterday was my birthday.

my 19th birthday to be exact.

i want to say that my day was spectacularly amazing and that i got everything that i had hoped and wished and dreamed for- but i didn't.
but that's okay.
it was just like that one vanessa carlton song...you know,
ordinary day.

but here's a little tidbit of wisdom for you - that's life.
"special" days aren't always going to feel like you think they should.
days are special, or become as such, by the way you treat them or react to them or remember them.
you [along with some help from people who you think are special] make the day.
as i've gotten older, i'm beginning to realize the significance of life events. rather than putting so much emphasis on one special day or event, i'm living off the singular moments that make those days so special.
and that's been enough to get me by.

this month has caused me to reflect on the happenings of my life from the past year.

i think about significant moments.

i think about my favorite days.

i think about memories.

i think about the incredibly amazing people i've met.

i think about the relationships i now have with those people, and what it took to get them where they are today.

i think about how blessed i've been.

and i think about the many good times to come...

i would totally do a shout-out to all of the people who have influenced my life so much in these past few months, but i feel like i don't even need to. i know these people know who they are, and i know they know how i feel about them and our relationship. [or at least i'm assuming] i didn't know you could grow so close to someone in such a short time, and i have with many people.
i have so much love for these significant people. i feel so blessed to be so lucky.

in other news,

i'm sure many of you are wondering what my treatment schedule or process is going to be like, so i will inform you. i am starting chemotherapy this wednesday. i will be on a 28 day cycle that will have me being treated on the first day and the fifteenth day. so. i start on the 13th of april and then my next treatment will be on the 27th of april. so i'll basically be going twice a month.
two treatments = one cycle...six cycles = 12 treatments = six months. 
confused? ;]
so we're looking at being done around mid-october. i'll keep everyone updated on how it goes, because i know a lot of people have asked me about it, and this seems like the easiest way to let everyone know.

oh, and i would just like to publicly thank Andrea Sarah Hoffman, my best friend, for making my day (making my week or month, more like) here is the video that she made. [almost] everyone that i know and love is in this video. i watch it and am just amazed at how awesome my life has been and how many memories i will get to make with these people in the time to come. i have met some of the most amazing people. i truly can't say enough about them. watch this video and you'll understand. 

change of plans.

so. i have been thinking about writing a post for a while now. there are a few things i've wanted to say, but not sure if i should or how to say it. but i finally decided that it was a good idea.

about a week ago, i was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

and if you don't really know what that is, simply put, it's cancer.

crazy. i still haven't completely wrapped my head around this quite yet. in all honesty, i feel like i'm living someone else's life right now.

since the 11th of march i have:

had surgery, had a CT scan, a PET scan, like five doctor's office visits,

hospital visits, bone marrow taken...etc.

you know that feeling when you have giant butterflies in your stomach or knots that twist and turn inside you?
i've had that feeling quite a lot lately.

am i back home now?

yes.

am i happy about that?

no.

but this is also what i have realized:

i want to get better. i want to get back. i really want to be having fun with my friends and doing all the things i wish i was doing right now. but, if i don't come home and get treated, i won't be able to do any of that.

my brother, Zac, is a doctor and is doing his residency at Wake Forest Hospital...which is #36 in the world for cancer treatment. so, i am going to get treated there. plus, he knows the doctors so i already have a one-up on the situation.

i am not mad that i have cancer. i'm actually not sad either. i am sad, however; that i have to leave my friends, my school, my "life". but i am optimistic about the situation. and positive (most of the time). i am so unbelievablely blessed and loved. i feel overwhelmed by all the support that everyone is showing me. my ward fasted for me this past sunday, i've been informed that my name is on a few temple prayer lists, my family and friends are praying for me and people i don't even know that well are supporting me. i have had so many kind and loving messages sent my way, calls made, and visits that have shown me how much people care. i never knew people liked me that much. :)  it's such a strange, yet amazing feeling being supported by so many people in so many different ways.

i know there are a lot of things that i don't about my condition yet, but in time i will. i don't fully understand why this is happening, but i will. i don't know what this is preparing me for, but i will be ready when it presents itself. i have heard many stories about people in my same situation, or worse, who have come out victorious...and i plan to do the same. i know one day i'll be able to cross cancer off the list of trials i've overcome.

i am strong. i know this.

i am going to kick cancer's butt. you just wait.

okay. on a lighter note, good things have actually been happening to me.

like i said, i had to leave school early.

(on a side note: for anyone that is curious, i am getting to finish my classes. i am so lucky that all of my professors have been so kind. i am taking an "incomplete" and they are giving me a year to finish the course (which i mostly just have finals left since i only had three weeks of school left anyway). so now i won't have to retake my classes and i will have something to do while i am being treated.)

back to the story.

so. my roommates surprised me....along with everyone else that i know and love (almost). my roommates were being really sneaky and weird, so i asked them what was up. and they just said that i'd "find out eventually". so on sunday we had a very good church meeting, and then i took some of my favorite boys to eat dinner at the cannon center, along with my roommates. after dinner i said goodbye and then went home to take a nap.

i was woken up by hillary, who proceded to say,

 "get up. get ready. you have 30 minutes."

punk.

she didn't really say much, just that i needed to look cute because we'd be taking pictures and that i might have to take a shower afterwards? (haha, i never did have to take a shower afterwards, i just think she was trying to throw me off.) so i got ready and then laura and jenny led me to the basement of our dorm. i felt like i knew what was coming. (sorta) so the door was opened and 50+ people yelled, "surprise!!"

best. present. ever.

it's not my birthday though. it won't be for two-ish weeks.

but because i won't be here on my birthday, my roommates organized a surprise-birthday-going-away-party.

it was the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me.

i got to see and say goodbye to my good friends. it was perfect.

 can you say best birthday present ever?

  

lef to right: taylor, me, angela. the two girls that should have been in our hall...or vice versa. they are pretty awesome and i can't wait to get to know them better next year. :] 

left: lewis. so glad i met him. :] right: laura, the best roommate in the entire world. i miss her so much already. i'm really going to miss the late night deep conversations we have about life in the dark. next year is going to be amazing. thank you for being such an amazing friend and support. i love you with my whole heart!

words can't express how i feel about this picture. and these boys. from left to right: b ray, me, andrew, and ryan. i feel so blessed to know these boys. i consider myself exteremly grateful to have them in my life. not only do they provide comic relief in my life, but they have been such amazingly great friends to me. i love you boys.

left: ryan. so glad that we are friends. he is the one friend i have that i know will always be honest with me. he has been there for me from the beginning and helped me through alot. not only is he a great friend, but my best friend. love you! right: andrew. haha. i haven't known andrew as long, but i count him as one of my closest friends. and even though i turned you down for marriage...;]...i still love you!

kenz: i'll miss all the interesting things you say! you are the best and i'm glad i could model for you for your class. i love you! danielle: you are so funny and kind. thanks for being so sweet and funny! i love you.



 chelly! i'm so glad i got to know you as well i as do...haha. you have great advice and have such a love of life and experiences. be a good girl while i'm gone! and we'll be neighbors in the fall! love you!

b ray. i love this boy! it took a while, but after we finally had enough "bryan and kara" time, i knew that he wasn't a punk, but a sweetheart who would become one of my best friends. he's such a great guy and if you don't know him...you're missing out. love you!

left: hillary. love this girl. i have never in my life met someone like her. she has such a strong testimony and is FULL of life. sometimes  most of the time she scares me, but i've convinced myself that that's just the "momma" side coming out of me. right: jennnnay! jenny has become one of my closest girlfriends this year. we have so many great plans for the future- living together and her visiting me in TN! she's helped me through alot. love you!

peace and blessings.

-k

cruiser.

days like today make me wish for one thing..

beach cruiser.

okay, and maybe not just one thing. but a beach cruiser is definitely one of them.

some other things that would be nice:

swimming

camping

tennis

summer clothes

no school

hammocks

road trips

it was sunny and warm and pretty today.

so we took a nap outside on in the quad.

we were only outside for like 2 hours.

i got burned. on half my face. and a wide strip on my lower back.

this is basically how i "tan".

we'll see if one side of my face turns out to be "tanner" than the other. any color that i could get right now would be beneficial.

guess what?

40 DAYS.

that's how long until we're free. 

there's a lot to be done in the mean time...

peace and blessings.

-k