reflections.

Being a momma is the hardest job I have ever had. people ask all the time how it is going and what being a new parent is like, and I always respond with the fact that it's so great- but exhausting. There’s nothing that can prepare you for the impact that being a parent takes on your physical body. And with that being said, there is also nothing that can prepare you for the impact of being a mother will have on your heart and whole entire soul- the kind of love you will experience. I can’t believe how much I can love such a tiny person.

I recently read an article about the “heaviness” of this kind of love. Like in the article, this love that I felt and feel is such a foreign and different kind of love. This small person that is here by the grace of God and the miracle that is pregnancy (I mean, how insanely crazy and cool is it that you can grow a person inside you?) will totally and completely change your life in every way possible.

Sometimes the love will hurt. It will hurt because maybe your small, sweet baby is crying or in pain or living in the NICU and you won’t know what to do to make it better. You will endlessly worry if they are healthy, happy, alive and breathing in their crib. This love will scare you. Because you are going to have to raise your sweet little child in a world that is increasingly dark and hurting. And one day, your small baby is going to grow up and you are going to wish that you snuggled them more or kissed their soft cheeks while they still let you. This love will surprise you. You will do things and say things that will make you look like a crazy person- all to get your sweet baby to stop crying or to laugh. This love will change you. You will turn into someone who is now eternally attached to another someone. This small, sweet baby is a part of you. Is here because of you. This love will never subside or go away. Like your small, sweet baby- it will only grow.

If I could have written a letter to myself about this time of my life (or the times that I will repeat this experience), or a letter to really any mother, these are a few things I’d want to remember:

Almost nothing ever goes the way you plan it. That doesn’t mean that because they aren’t in your plan that they will be bad. God will watch over you and make sure this baby gets here and is healthy because of your faith and trust in His plan for you. Your baby might be overdue and you might have an extremely long labor- or all in all, things might not go in accordance with your “birth plan”. You will still be alright. You might have your baby early and are going to be absolutely heartbroken when you can’t take your baby home- but realize the underlying blessing that this is. Your baby will grow to be healthy and will thrive because of the short time they will spend away from you. You are going to feel so overwhelmed with advice and information. Take it with a grain of salt- but remember there is always good advice to be taken. You might have day dreamed and envisioned the intense, close bond you will have through feeding your baby. When your baby isn’t able to make these day dreams come true, you will feel defeated and possibly like a bad mother. Others might make you feel that way, too. Just remember that people on the outside don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Your baby will thrive because he is getting fed. Whether you give him formula or sit for countless hours hooked up to a pump so that you can still feed him from your body- it is all the same. Your baby will not go hungry. You will feel so, so tired. You will turn into this person who has bags under their eyes, is wearing dirty clothes, hasn’t showered in days and can’t remember the last real meal they’ve eaten. Remember- it will get better and your baby will learn to sleep. You will learn the swing of things and will be able to prioritize and manage your time better. Always be kind to your husband. You will feel stretched thin and may not always speak kindly- always apologize and seek forgiveness. You will spend an entire day at home and feel like you have done nothing- which may very well be the case. You are raising a child. Don’t beat yourself up. Let people babysit. Nurture your relationship with your spouse because it is the most important relationship. Uplift other mothers around you. Help those in need and you will find that you’ll get much needed help in return. Trust in the Lord. He has led you to this beautiful change in your life and He will not desert you when you need it most. And remember to cherish the little moments. Snuggle your baby to sleep if you want to. They’ll have plenty of time to sleep on their own. Take these moments to memorize their long, thick eyelashes and the way they purse their lips when their dreaming. Remember the softness of their cheeks and how they put their arms behind their head when they sleep. One day you will probably forget and these moments will just be a memory of a memory. Most of all- remember that you are doing such an important work. And you are doing a good job.

I feel like I don't express enough how incredibly blessed and happy I feel to have sweet Tucker in my life. yes, being a mother means that sometimes I forget if I had breakfast or not or that maybe a ponytail and sweatpants are all I will wear for a few days, but it also means getting to soothe my crying baby to sleep or watching him learn and make progress every day. Those are moments that light my heart on fire. I thought when I fell in love with Taylor and we got married that there was no way there could be more room in my heart for anymore love than I felt at that time. And I thought that I couldn't possibly love Tay anymore than I did in those times. But bringing a life into this world together taught me that there is always room for more love. And that seeing my forever companion love this tiny human with everything in him would make me fall in love all over again. 

This is such a new and exciting journey and I am so glad to have my boys with me by my side.